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清早还没起床呢，看到了闺蜜发的两张雪景图，一片白茫茫，千里冰封，万里雪飘，路灯一照，美翻了。<br/><br/>复制，挨个群发了一波，下大雪喽！美得不要不要的。<br/><br/>刚发完，电话响了，我们主任打来的：你梦游呢？我姑娘非要拉着我们两口子给她堆雪人。你告诉我，雪在哪？雪在哪！！现在我姑娘正哭呢，麻烦你来哄一下……<br/><br/>我赶紧拉开窗帘，外面阳光灿烂，雪呢，下到哪去了？<br/><br/>电话又响了，是群里的一个大货司机，看我图片说下雪了，跟老板请了一天假，约了女朋友上山拍雪景，女朋友骂他是骗  子，正闹分手呢……司机小窗我：这个事你是不
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去朋友圈，接着复制[嘿哈]
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去香油厂安装设备，好些镙丝生锈不好安装，问老板有机油没润滑一下，老板直接拎过来两瓶香油说一句：不够用的话咱还有哈！<br/>卧槽，你这样说，那还真不够[色色的]

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花生油不是饮料么！
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小儿子在额头上写个王字，突然从我背后窜出来～啊～吼吼！<br/>吓我一大跳：这是干啥呢？<br/>小儿子：啊～吼～我是大老虎.就问你怕不怕

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得，这下家里两只老虎了，还让楼主怎么活
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陪老婆去买菠菜，她一颗一颗的挑，卖菜的大妈说不能这样。<br/>我替老婆出头说：“十几块钱一斤这么贵，肯定要挑一下呀。”<br/>大妈看了我一眼，然后嘀嘀咕咕的说：“挑菜这么认真，挑老公这么随意。”

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楼主:我随意么？
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手镯启瓶器
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最近我们公司新来了个前台小妹，和我挺聊得来的，天天中午吃饭也是找我一起。时间一长，同事们就开始在背后说三道四，今天中午吃饭我忍不住问她：“妹子，你不会对我有什么想法吧？哥我已婚了。”结果那妹子脸一红，低头小声说：“我也不瞒你了，我天天和你在一起，主要是你长的太像我那过世的舅舅了。”我直接一口汤喷了出来！

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前几天陪姐姐送侄女去上学，到学校门口碰到侄女班主任当然就随口说了一句：“老师挺你真漂亮。”<br/>晚上姐姐打电话说：“你侄女缠了她老师一天，明天同意跟你见个面，明天穿的正式一些。”<br/>这孩子才四岁，真懂事啊。

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姐姐的孩子不应该是外甥女吗？
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我问老婆：“你长得这么漂亮，为啥嫁给我?”老婆叹了口气，撩起窗帘，望着窗外的雨夜，用低沉的声音说：“十年前，过街天桥上你给一个乞讨的老头10块钱，他用这钱买了彩票，中了头奖。老头先去了泰国，又去了韩国，回国后他找到你。”我：⋯⋯

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相亲失败下楼的电梯里，我问对面的女孩要不要再重新考虑一下我？女孩摆了摆手并向后退了几步。<br/>闻言我不禁泄了气，“bu”~的一声之后，女生捂住口鼻想摁着电梯按钮逃离，我挡在按钮前面又问了一遍，女生突然古怪的笑了一下，还没等我反应过来，一声更大的“bu”~声传来，熏得我一个趔趄，女孩问我:“现在还想让我当你女朋友吗？”<br/>我转身想按电梯，她将我推到一边，笑盈盈的看着我。下了十几层之后，“叮”~电梯门开了，门口的人捂住口鼻齐齐向后跳了一大步，再看看女孩，她捂住脸眼泪含在眼圈里幽怨的看了我一眼就跑了。<br/>望着
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女孩心想:一个屁你都扛不住，还表现出委屈巴巴的眼神，以后大风大浪能指望你
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提莫莫酱呀！
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早上上班追尾了一宝马，对方让我赔300，下车跟人据理力争，最后赔了500，还被人骂一顿，人说我还没起步，你骑个破电驴就怼上来了……哼！以后我买车避开这牌子！

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很喜欢秋天，跟谈恋爱一样，早晚都要凉

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侄儿因为隔壁真的住着王叔，被嘲笑了很多年，他十八岁的时候终于鼓起勇气问隔壁王叔：叔!他们乱说，为什么你和我麻麻不出面澄清呢？<br/>王叔愣了半天，才悠悠的说：孩子，何必桶破这层窗户纸呢？!

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一个问非所问，一个答非所问，清白的关系最后聊成浑水坑，众口硫/酸侵蚀真相！
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胖香
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我:狗子最近忙啥呢？<br/>九:我这成疫区了，啥也干不了，整天宅家吃，都胖了<br/>我:别聊这个话题好吗？心虚<br/>九:永远不变的你，你已经放弃了，我懂<br/>我:哪天嘎巴了，送去烧的话同样的钱咱多烧一会，划算<br/>九:我不烧，已经填了捐赠协议了，死了全捐，啥也不留<br/>我:我不好意思捐，怕别人剌的费劲[大哭]

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<span class="stats-vote"><i class="number">644</i> 好笑</span>
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<span class="cmt-name">点赞的战斗猪：</span>
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去网络奔现啊，见一次少一个器官，以后省的费劲
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冷砚
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晚上吃饭，我爸一个劲地给我夹肉，让我多吃点，这个有情况呀，事出反常必有妖！<br/><br/>我问道：“老爸，你是不是做了什么错事？”<br/>他摇摇头说：“没有没有，多吃点，看你现在瘦的！”<br/>看他一脸真诚，我暗暗唾弃自己以小人之心度君子之腹。<br/><br/>“吃饱了？”<br/>“嗯！”<br/>“跟你商量个事呗！”他说。<br/>“你说吧！”看来我的预感还是很准的，没有好事！<br/>“我想给你换个新手机”<br/>“昂？给我换？”<br/>“对呀，给你换，换不换？”<br/>“换！”我有点蒙圈了！<br/><br/>我爸非常满意地拍拍我的肩膀说道：“明天我就买13了，我的12就归你啦！你给钱哈，
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<span class="cmt-name">庄生那条鱼：</span>
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你不是也换了手机了吗，不算亏
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冷砚
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闺蜜和男友分了。<br/><br/>前男友发到单位群里各种宣扬。闺蜜沉默了两天，找到办公室几个女同事，掩上门，脱去上衣：我背上有纹身，那个人不是我……<br/><br/>望着纹身处渗出来的点点血迹，我们陷入了沉思……

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<span class="stats-vote"><i class="number">1590</i> 好笑</span>
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<span class="cmt-name">空城旧梦她与伞：</span>
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真会玩
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山鹰用黄瓜赶二哈
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我哥说：钱放在我老婆那里还是不错的，比ATM机好，每次问老婆要钱都给十块二十的，ATM机就取不出来零钱。。。

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<img src="//pic.qiushibaike.com/system/avtnew/3113/31139494/thumb/20201230163249.jpg?imageView2/1/w/90/h/90" alt="-蝎妮女侠-">
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-蝎妮女侠-
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昨晚老公又出去喝酒，还一宿没有回家。早上气的我马上找婆婆去理论。<br/>“天天催着我生二胎，你看看你儿子晚上天天喝酒，白天钓鱼不回家，我自己一个人怎么生？”<br/>婆婆说“结婚几年了，自己男人管不住，跟我说有什么用？”<br/>我：“你是生产厂家，质量不合格，不找你找谁。”<br/>婆婆说：我都质保六七年了，早已过了保修期了。还来找我。去找加盟商（公公）去，别烦我。<br/>我：“我才不去呢？他俩穿一条裤子的。”<br/>婆婆：“那怎么办？不行你去找公关（奶奶）她是老厂家。”<br/>这时奶奶旁边冷不丁的
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<span class="cmt-name">忧郁的创可贴：</span>
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我是糗友我帮忙，我住隔壁我姓王
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小鸟小鸟小鸟
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晚饭后逛街，碰到女同事骑电动车带着五岁的儿子，儿子坐后面搂着同事的腰。打了声招呼她就走了，我一看感觉不行，大声喊住她对儿子说：“孩子你这样太危险：你妈妈腰那么粗你搂不住，还是抓住妈妈的衣服吧！”

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掉头返嚟当着细佬仔的面揍你不知老窦系边个
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胖香
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我妈在家人群里发个消息:“昨晚我梦到你爸了……他说江阴大桥通车的时候他在现场看了，满天的烟花，唉，我这辈子能去看一次江阴大桥，也算是圆了梦了！”<br/>紧急开会，我和我姐一人出五百经费，我哥请假，开着他的小五菱，我嫂子抱着孩子，我妈端着电饭锅（当天蒸的一锅米饭，不能扔家里浪费，带上！）<br/>半天蒯到江阴，桥上桥下都看了，我妈问离南京远不，我哥说不远，顺道又去南京吃了碗鸭血粉丝汤……<br/>两天时间，穷游一趟，拍了不少照片，圆了梦，回来的时候我们全家凑一块吃饭，我问老妈这次圆梦开心吧？<br/>老妈夹了根豆角边吃边笑:“
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长城长，黄河黄，
五岳归来去香江，
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遍游不枉活一场。
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深秋的香樟树
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很多年前吧，那时的鸡还在院里.满大街上跑，猪也差不多是家家都有，平时可舍不得吃就留到过年用<br/><br/>邻居家可不这么干，在那个年代他是啥时候想吃肉了就啥时候吃鸡，也算是另类了<br/><br/>有次他嘴里正啃着鸡腿就来我家串门了，可把我眼馋坏了[捂脸]完了把骨头又扔给了他家的小黑，我家的狗不干了上去就教训了他家的小黑一顿，直咬的小黑把骨头乖乖的给吐了出来<br/><br/>邻居左右看了看瞄上了立在墙角的扫帚，我以为他想帮小黑打我家狗呢立马拦了上去，邻居笑了：想啥呢这孩子，我不打狗，一根骨头而已谁吃不是吃呢？<br/><br/>等我让开路，他只是在扫
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邻居的嘴里味道更香了
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卧槽！手机真有监听吗？刚和媳妇聊了现在天气干，嘴唇干裂的事，不到半个小时，打开百度就看到推送的这方面的文章，而且还卖唇膏！以前从没刷到过这样的文章……

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梦若流水
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临摊卖十块钱的金戒指，挺豪放的那种。<br/>一个顾客买了一个，戴了戴，挺满意，又要买一个。一个劲地问:你这是金的么?你这是真的么……。摊主很无奈反问:你觉的呢？<br/>最后顾客花八块又买了一个

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不是和你们吹，想当年，我只说了一句话，就让一个帮派立马土崩瓦解。<br/><br/>那时小学二年级，受电视剧的影响，我们几个要好的小伙伴成立金刚帮，号称四大金刚。<br/><br/>成立那天，老大在操场上给我们训话，要我们团结，只要欺负我们其中一个人，大家就要一起上。<br/><br/>这时有几个高年级的男生笑着围过来看热闹。<br/><br/>我当时正热血沸腾，意气风发，于是骂了一句：笑你麻痹，是不是看不起我们金刚帮！

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然后四大金刚被围殴，团灭
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冷砚
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表哥表嫂一直想生二胎，侄儿不同意。<br/>表哥说：“等有了弟弟或者妹妹，你就是大哥啦，你不是一直想当大哥吗？”<br/>小家伙想了想说：“那他得先交保.护.费才行！”<br/>表嫂：“将来我和你爸老了，不用你一个人出生活费了，你们一人一半，你省下的一半费用就当保.护.费了！”<br/>小侄歪着头想了想说：“那你们生个双胞胎吧，他们两个一人一半，我就不用出了，我只负责保护他俩就行了！”<br/>我和我的小伙伴当时就惊呆了……

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<span class="cmt-name">改变_：</span>
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小侄子好可爱，我喜欢小乔
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<img src="//pic.qiushibaike.com/system/avtnew/3377/33773167/thumb/20211114090029.jpg?imageView2/1/w/90/h/90" alt="冷瞳～～">
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冷瞳～～
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健忘是一种怎样的体验？<br/>出门忘带钥匙之第一次～～<br/>“喂，你好！您是开锁公司吗，麻烦来一下某某小区某某单元102”<br/>“好的！”<br/>第二次～～<br/>“喂，你好，还记得我吗？还是上次那个[捂脸]”<br/>“哦哦，马上过去”<br/>第三次～～<br/>“喂，老地方，快点哈”<br/>第四次～～<br/>“喂。。。”<br/>“马上就到！”嘟嘟嘟。。。。

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这种人，开锁公司是不会推荐他换指纹锁的，因为会少很多生意[大笑][大笑]
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我有一个发小，很牛逼，他小学文凭。十年前身上揣着200块钱来北京闯荡。至今，身上还剩100多块。。。

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